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The Faceless Voice

 Well.  Click on the little link to receive a random rant about... well, kind of about all of you (not insulting, don't worry) and me as well and virtually the entirety of the people on livejournal.

<lj-cut text="Is there a little link to click on this time?  Did I do it?">


The one common desperation we all share is the constant need for human contact.

It's been called 'skin hunger' when this applies to actual human touch.  Evidently it's as strong in young teenage girls as the need to beat the living crap out of things is in teenage boys.  It's not quite sexual- the need to hug, to hold, to kiss, but not have anything else from it: skin hunger.  Simple proof that we are not alone.

The emotional equivelant of this is to know each other through the internet.

Though we've never met and probably never will, despite the fact that we have no idea what another person looks like and even though there's a chance it's all a trick, we very much enjoy spilling our souls onto online journals.  Into stories- whether fanfiction or original work- where people we don't know who share a common interrest will read and tell us their all too important opinion.  

People have said things on the internet everyone knows no one would speak a word of in real life.  And that's the thing- who is this person that you talk to?  Though they respond with glee to everything you might say, perhaps in real life they are shy.  Are they on a fancy laptop at home, or are they in the library?  In an internet cafe?  In their basement hiding from an abusive uncle?  Would they tell you and only you if they were abused?

And what would you do about it?

It's a kind of theropy almost.  The most vile things in the world aren't always spoken of, and secrets are usually kept.  Online journals are the safest way to spill your guts.  One thousand people could read about a rape and unless they know something about the person besides their email or their pen name they can do NOTHING.  Suicidal people can tell their entire self loathing life hating stories only to you, and you'll only know that something went wrong when for months their livejournal stands absolutely still.  Maybe you won't even notice.

I've read stories written by people who last updated April 24th, 2006.  Steadily each story, each post became more lost.  Though we who were reading her journal knew nothing of what she was speaking of, the last post ranted desperately about someone who was coming back, she couldn't believe he was trying to find her, she'd started a new life, she was getting better, this was it, it was all falling apart.

On April 24th, 2006.  

She had posted basically every day.  Days and then months and then years went by with nothing, and what am I supposed to do?

That's just it- nothing.  We don't know what happened.  We know more then perhaps every one of her friends did, but we don't know.  We weren't there.  And that's the danger of all of this- we can know each other more completely then perhaps some of us let our 'RL' friends know us and still know nothing.  

If the worst did happen, perhaps I even read about her death.  Perhaps she was one of the murders that day that happened in Philly and I skimmed over her article in the paper.  Perhaps she was a suicide that never went to print.  Perhaps she was even a suicide bomber in a mall.  I don't know.

Or perhaps whoever it was who came back got utterly told off by her for whatever evil he'd done and she, realizing how strong she was, decided she didn't need the theropy of spilling her secrets every day to livejournal.  And she decided she didn't even need to say goodbye, because these people didn't really know her anyway.

And that's just it- we don't know each other.  None of us.  We simotaniously know everything and nothing about each other, and for all of you who know me you know I've basically logiced this to death and that I'll come to some weird conclusion, garunteed.  What we share is an interrest- in writing, in anime, in CLAMP...  do you know what that means?

Anyone ever been to comic con?  Perhaps you saw me.  I mean, seriously, maybe I was the Naruto that you got a picture with or the creepy old guy who dresses up as Fay every year.  Man-Fay.  Though I think he has his own livejournal, so never mind.  But honestly- I saw awesome cosplayers- to those Americans, that might have been you.  Maybe I have seen you guys and I have no idea.  

Which is why, after all this strange reasoning, I have decided to put my picture up after I go to Otakon.  Yep.  Me dressed up as Fai.  So it'll only kind of be a lie- it will be me, I'll just also be someone else.  I mean, I'm not going to commit suicide, no matter what people say about others being sick I think it's pathetic whether it's a cry for attention or someone actually wants to die.  I actually know that my 'RL' friends know me better then any of you do, no offense, so I'm not desperately antisocial.  I just decided that I didn't want to be some faceless voice.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0FRP0IvPis8   ~ this post was this song's fault.




( 13 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 4th, 2009 12:28 am (UTC)
It seriously pains me to say it now but the cut hasn't worked on my friends page. The thing is, I can see your code for it and it looks fine so it might be the format. Did you copy and paste the text? I'm feeling bad for you =(

Here's a little story about telling people personal details that I feel like randomly telling you: During certain exam times we get thrown out of a few rooms and corridors in my school. I ended up in a little room in the language department and a girl five years younger than me was put in there to sit a test she'd missed. It wasn't exactly a serious test so she ended up commenting on some pictures on the walls, all innocent enough. By the end of the period she'd told me that she skipped French tests, she can't read well, her mother is unwell and she's a child carer, sometimes her friends can't come over and she isn't sure she can train to be a mechanic because she might not be able to go to college looking after her mum, all about her dad hitting a deer and having to saw its head off to put it out its misery and how her gran was diabetic and suicidal, she keeps trying to kill herself by eating sugar...... I was speechless, I had NO idea how to respond to ANY of it, why did she tell me all that in the first place?! I was just a random sixth year she'd never met before... And it was all just so ordinary, the way she said it. I don't think she was making it up or then she'd play it up a little and she was showing me pictures of the car too. It was strange, I've been lucky with the life I've been leading and I'm grateful for it so there wasn't anything to say apart from it must be hard for her...

And I should be posting pics of myself soon =D admittedly though I will be underwater, in diving gear and not wearing my glasses... apparently I looked like a Tellytubby which is... reassuring... actually none of the pictures look exactly flattering, hmmmmm....
I'm curious like that though, everyone who reads what I write, what sort of lives do they lead, how do they imagine me, how similar are our lifestyles etc etc etc So Fye cos-play pics should be very interesting *nods*
May. 4th, 2009 01:21 am (UTC)
God, I've had that happen to me. But with me it was a woman at the mall, and I suppose it was partially my fault. She was just crying at these plastic tables and i was alone and she looked like she might start choking anytime now, so I went over and sat next to her and was all like "Hey, are you alright? Did you loose your child or something?" because it's a big mall, so I thought maybe she'd lost her kid and didn't know what to do. And then she started going on to me about how her granmother had just died and she had to help her mother plan the funeral because her mother was off wasting her life away trying to be twenty again or something and wasn't even surfacing for real life for something like this and her son wasn't doing well in school and she couldn't find these effing shoes in this effing color, you know, in that way people do sometimes where they just break and start getting upset about everything that's been bothering them even slightly.
I mean, yours seemed to be alright with her life, no matter how horrible. This woman just completely spilled everything to me, and then I didn't know what to do at all, so I just like, reached forwards to pat her back or something because i was still a bit overwhelmed (through tears she had explained it after 'what's wrong' as a kind of 'nothing, it's just...' getting louder and louder) and didn't know what to do at all, and she just sort of looked up, realized I was an utter stranger, kind of flinched away from me and then said 'excuse me' and ran walked away quickly.
when things like that happen, it makes me wonder if we actually do want to know other people if we want them to know us. I mean, I just confessed something deep about how me emotionally runs to someone and throughout the entire thing I felt as if I was trying to write a story and it was coming out awkward. And then when I had someone's life spilled on me, I had no idea what to do. And I love stories and people, so me of all people should love the two combined.

Anyway- You wonder how we all think of you, eh? Well, now that you mention it, for whatever reason I imagine you as a kind of serious faced but almost quizical grin faced person with rectangular, black rimmed glasses and dark hair. Tall, as well. I have no idea why. I think that I possibly knew someone who acted somewhat the way you do (at least, the way I gather you do based on how you write and talk) who slightly looked like that. Glasses and quizical grin though belong entirely to mental-image you. Wow, this is fun. I never really specifically thought about how you guys on the internet all looked, just about how I didn't know. How do you think I look?
May. 5th, 2009 10:59 pm (UTC)
Hhhhmmmm she wasn't really alright though. She seemed accepting maybe and couldn't complain but overall she just seemed lonely in that there was no one for her to relate to. She had friends but when she tells anyone her own age things like her mother can't get out the bath herself they mostly get grossed out which makes her feel more isolated. That and she's never met another young carer before, she has nothing in common with anyone. So even though she doesn't pity or bemoan her situation (because she loves her mum, she'd do anything to help her) there was something in her voice like she understands she's losing something but there's no one who can sympathise. Although I think she's so used to living that way her tone the whole way through just said 'but that's the way things are' which I'm now realising is so strange to hear from a 12 year old girl. They're not meant to have given up on being selfish =(

That must have been weird for both of you. But if she needed it off her chest then that's for the best! And there's something nice about helping a stranger in that way without any kind of connection................ oh my god.... I just wrote a fanfiction about this lol As in it literally involves this and I never thought of it that way. Must post it some time...

And .... that's ... TERRIFYING O.o
I mean I have black-rimmed glasses but the ones I wear most of the time are blue and purple and I had to ask a friend about the faces but I'd say that's basically completely right... I'm scared to guess for you now because I know I'm wrong lol For some reason I'm certain your hair isn't exactly light and isn't exactly dark and it's long but you said something somewhere that makes it seem like you change it a lot. Other than that I'm not sure. Maybe medium height and a wide smile when you're happy and around friends. I think I'm just making this up now lol Sorry if I've insulted you or anything, it feels like a bunch of wild guesses!

Oh and I know you sent me something about accents on ff.net, I'm getting round to it, this is just the busiest I've been in ages! I'll try my best to find a Central Scottish accent because it isn't interesting lol It's like very mild Scottish with a tendency to miss out certain letters and say 'jamp' instead of 'jumped' in the area I'm from and that's about it =) I'll find a Glaswegian one for you too though, I think I made a joke about them lol

And you're from Philadelphia? Er now this might sound a little strange but I've wondered this since I was a kid. Does Philadelphia cream cheese have anything to do with the place or did they just name it that for the crack? No offence, I mean it's damn good cream cheese, I make loads of cheesecakes with it but that's always bugged me XD Feel free to ask as many loch or kilt questions as you like!
May. 7th, 2009 01:33 am (UTC)
You're right. Children should stay selfish until they learn first that other people aren't, and then life can change them. Unfortunately it almost never works that way. But there are different levels of it all. There's a girl in my class who complains endlessly about the most mundane things, and if I talk to her about my mother's cancer or about gang violence in my childhood (not my family, don't ask, long story) she'd feel shocked. And then when another friend of mine talks about being raped or abused as a child, I feel shocked. But the thing is, none of these problems can be specifically pinned down as the worst or the most mundane. Everything is about perception, so perhaps this girl saw the world for how it was. I don't believe she was fine, but even though I never met her, I do want to believe she didn't think about the injustice and just took the world as it came at her, and that was why she spoke calmly.

...I really god it right? Wow. That's so strange.
Gah! How... how do you know? I actually look basically like that, except I recently died the underside of my hair blue. Recently as in within the last hour, actually.

Philadelphia cream cheese- YOU GUYS HAVE THAT?! I couldn't get it when I was in Santa Fe! How come you have it all the way over there? Anyway. I assume it was actually made in the city. And it's ok, I wouldn't be spectacularly offended even if you did offend cream cheese. I mean, it's alright, but I'm not about to never forgive you if you don't like it or something. One comment though- for the crack? I don't know quite what you mean. Because here, crack is slang for any kind of drug like opium or marajuana. So... you're either saying cream cheese has drugs in it, which I wouldn't particularely doubt but would admittedly have trouble outright believing, or there's a difference in slang words happening here.
And oddly enough, you are the second person in the last 30 minutes who has mentioned kilts.
May. 7th, 2009 10:13 pm (UTC)
Sorry to hear about your mother and the gang violence and your friend's abuse, it all sounds terrible and very difficult to deal with =( You've both got my sympathy! I don't know if you want it but you do. The teenage years are the awkward transition when you become more in tune that way, I agree. Although my main experience of this wasn't genuine in the end. Looking back on it though it feels so obvious, it's strange to think I fell for it.

Oh wow, yay! What tone of blue? I tried to get blue bits in my hair once and got an option of incredibly dark but shines blue (it was in fashion at the time) or a bleach and then some proper blue on top and I didn't really fancy either... Might be a dark hair thing. So your hair really is sort of light? Strange...

Yeah it's all over the place. They're extending the brand by turning them into sweet and savoury dips like you'll have cheese, a dip and then dippers like crispy things or wafers or biscuits in a tub. And I do love that cheese, it makes great cheesecakes and bagle toppings =) Although I once found a lump of mould in a Philadelphia box roughly the size of a golf ball and with the texture of a brain - it was somewhere between impressive and disgusting.

Ah! Crack over here means drugs as well but not opium, specifically marijuana, 'for the crack' is a saying though, means 'for the sake of it' and kinda implies it's a joke too. Like if I wrote something funny on a whim I could say I wrote it for the crack. Sorry, must be a local thing ^^
May. 8th, 2009 07:33 pm (UTC)
She was lying? God, I hate that. Every time I hear about crap like that I just feel like saying "Well, I've had some shitty things happen to me. I know people who've had shitty things happen. Do you want one of them to tell you what it's actually like to be raped/deal with sickness/ect so you can better describe how it feels?!" It really just bothers me.

It's a kind of teal-ish blue, which is nice. But I have to get to something-

Cream cheese DIP?! What? That's... really weird. Like, on chips and... uh, I suppose you'd call them 'crisps' and all that? Hm. I suppose that would be good on bagel crisps but no other kinds. blech. And blech for golf ball mould too

Lol, ok, crack. Alrighty then. But I suppose you wouldn't know what I was saying if I said "Yo pimp, can I knock you up for a smoke dude?" Or rather... if I just said it, you'd probably assume something. Now when I look at it though, not only does it seem just as stupid as it normally does (lol. Philly talk makes me laugh), but I feel that even if I didn't know what it said I would understand what it says.

It's "Hello young man who is generally liked by women, may I have a cigarette please?"
May. 9th, 2009 12:06 am (UTC)
That wasn't the reason why I was angry though. It was all manipulative and attention seeking. She convinced everyone she needed help as a form of protest her dad was moving away or so the theory goes. The problem was once I realised and she'd suddenly decided she hated me, I had to watch my friends with okay maybe subliminal but genuine problems running about after her quite literally once. It made me sick. And at the end of the year me and my friend both got awards for our grades, went to a prize-giving for it, and then she was there. She dropped all of her exams bar 2 claiming she has stress problems, continued working and getting driving lessons, got a B in English and they hand her an award thinking it's as good or better than what I got. And I'm not boasting here but that was annoying... sorry for complaining but that's the way it was.

And they're not really chips. I can't think of how to describe them... I'm thinking Snack-a-jacks but they're nothing like them either... Well whatever they are they supposedly go well with sweet chili.

I think I figured that one out when I read it but I needed to read it twice lol It sounds so weird to me though! XD Phillay talk sounds ... interesting! And because I've been feeling random and because I've been trying to find accent videos - This made me laugh
May. 9th, 2009 08:24 pm (UTC)
God, I had a friend just like that. After that experience, I suppose I should say just don't do anything huge. Don't make a big deal about it, just ignore it, she can go around lying if she wants to. My friends and I made a big deal about it and we ended up having to deal with several attempted suicides and finally just a complete vanishment for a few years where no one would tell us if she was still alive. Then she came back in a wheel chair. It's all fine now, but really, just don't make any kind of deal about it- it's not fair, but hey, it's her pathetic way of getting through life, and you're... better then that, and all that.

Ok... so about the accents... god I'm going to feel weird typing like this, but I decided to try typing Philly accent-ish.

Well, aight then. This (dis?) is basicly how ah speak when ah rush and don't pay atenshion to how I pronounce tsings. Ah feel a bit pathetic now. Hm. I should mention eating- D'jeat yet? Have a cheesesteak! Aight.

*is shot by loyal Philadelphians*
Philadelphians: TRAITOR!

And I'm really not sure if I did that right... hm... anyway, this'll probably be more useful:

May. 9th, 2009 11:42 pm (UTC)
Oh yeah this ended for me well over a year ago. Everyone just backs slowly out of it once they've realised. Apparently she bitches about what a homophobe I am (she's a lesbian) which I thought was hilarious. So touch wood no real suicide attempts, just a lot of drama. That'd be pretty weird having that all happen just for attention when you're already pretty removed from the situation.

With the video - Her accent sounds really cool actually, very drawly but I like it. But the bit at the end made me laugh, no offence! It sounds almost stereotypical American to me but better actually. The video was definitely informative =) I didn't know where that accent was from before. I have to ask though - what on earth is a cheesesteak? Like a steak with cheese on it? They exist? Wow, funny world... girled cheese is a good one too =D

Yeah I'm having a lot of trouble finding videos with Scottish accents on the internet that aren't a) just silly b) put on or exaggerated c) partly American
And the ones with the words and the pronunciation, no one would ever do. 'Fit like' and all that, I've not heard anyone say that naturally.

Right so ah dinnae speak wi much o a sco'ish ahccent but like ah ken wot uhthers are tryin tae sae when they're speakin

That'd be REALLY strong though

Moast o thee time people from where ahm frum tend tae speak a bit like this but no sae strong, ken? Like same sorta accent but moare regular. An the moare ah type like this ah feel like ahm fae Glasgee. Awwwight there big maaaan! Gonnae go dae us a favour an gie us sum crackin vi'eos o sum accents? That's smashin, man...

I feel like I'm misrepresenting Scotland here, nobody I know speaks like that lol Although I did have a teacher with a Glaswegian accent who always said 'Gonnae go dae us a favour, guys..' and my brother somtimes plays world of warcraft with a Glaswegian guy with a great weegie accent and some guy asked him 'Why is he speaking in German?' to which my brother replied 'He's not German, he's pure mad mental' which is usually pronounced 'pyoor mahd menUHL' Which reminds me, there is an airport with the logo 'Pure dead brilliant' I had to keep that ticket just for that. And the guy who reads out the English part of the language listening exams has a strong Glaswegian accent too which started this huge joke where I did an impression and it shifted on to create weegie french. But yeah it sort of goes 'Yous are gonnae go visit yer French penpal, Frrrancine. Qwehs-chun wun, yous are gonnae go tae Frrancine's house fer dinner an her muther asks yous..' etc etc Sorry for the huge rant about Glaswegian accents.

Here's one that always cracks me up (yes, more crack sayings)
- Can ah hae an ing an an ah?
And you deserve some sort of special prize if you can figure that one out because I barely know! Crazy Dundonians xD

Also random ender here, I've JUST realised this and I feel silly but when you see the term YouTube, do you think it means 'the "you" channel' or something like that? Because for a while over here things like 'Yer a tube!' or 'you're such an utter tube!' or just plain 'you tube!' were very popular insults (second is more like something one of my friends would say) So yeah if it means 'the you channel' then I'm going to feel stupid because it's always meant 'you're an idiot' to me xD
Jul. 15th, 2009 06:25 pm (UTC)
Cheesesteak= roll filled with thinly sliced steak fried up until it kind of looks like a mess with american cheese and fried onions in it. you can also add ketchup, though I recomend dipping it in ketchup. Damn, it tastes so brilliant you would not believe, but when I explain it it sounds god awful.

Can ah hae an ing an an ah? ... what? can you have what? ^_^'

I feel oddly as though I've already replied to this... did I? Or did these questions just come up in the PMs you sent me through fanfiction dot net? eh, anyway, see ya. Probably later rather than sooner, but I'm going to make more of an effort to keep my internet friends! Because besides publishing oportunites and my gay rights group, I basically have done nothing on the internet as of late. And I miss just generally talking to people. So here. Hugs and cookies for you. *gives*
Jul. 15th, 2009 10:51 pm (UTC)
Well when you describe it as a mess it doesn't help lol Actually taking away the mental picture and possibly replacing american cheese with cheddar (not entirely sure if I've tried american style cheese, I've not heard good things, no offence) it sounds really nice!

Er I've forgotten now. I think it's 'Can I have a beef bridie and an onion one too?' or something like that. Pastry related anyways.

Most likely =) The conversation drifted sites. Good luck with the publishing and thanks for the hugs and cookies! ^^ Sorry for my gigantic emails and fic title requests too, it's almost like I try to cram everything in in one go!
Jul. 15th, 2009 11:27 pm (UTC)
Normally I think American cheese sucks as well. I mean, technically, it's not even cheese. It's just this kind of floppy cheep knock off. But in a cheese steak, it's the best way to go. Just be sure to add salt.

And thank you! I'll probably need all the luck I can get.
Jul. 15th, 2009 11:42 pm (UTC)
If it's what I'm thinking of then it only works on cheeseburgers here =) So it's pretty good on meat.
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